Where to start...

Really, there is so much to say, where do I begin?

I am 32, married and have children. Aside from my children, it is all wrong. I know, I know, that sounds horrible...but it is true. From the depths of my soul, I can hear every ounce of my being scream about how wrong my "love" is.

I want the right love. I dream of it, I envy it when I see others that have it. I cry at movies that display it so poetically. I look into my daughter's eyes and hope and pray they find the right love the first time. And no, I am not talking about as teenagers, when we all go through heartbreak. I am talking about marriage, giving your heart to another person for the rest of your life. I hope they choose wisely, because the consequences of not are great.

I have been a hopeless romantic as far back as I can remember. I am a dreamer and have found much happiness with nothing more than my own imagination. I remember journaling as I was growing up, most of what I wrote was about love. I always sought after it, always had a crush on this boy or that. He was so cute, I want to marry him...blah, blah. I would fall asleep each night dreaming about my latest love and how we would spend the perfect life together.

My self confidence has always been less than stellar. I grew up thinking I was fat. Most of my life, I have been at least average, sometimes thin. Regardless, I would look in the mirror and see a fat girl looking back at me. (Thanks Dad) My self confidence issues were obvious to others, so much so that at times, other people would view me as "fat" even when I wasn't. I portrayed myself in such a way that others labeled me as I labeled myself. Very sad.

I struggled with my friends when they would date the boys I liked. It would "break my heart" and I couldn't understand why they were so lucky with love and I never seemed to be happy. I was looking for someone else to make me feel good about who I was. I wanted a boy to boost my confidence, to make me feel thin and attractive. I was all messed up.

Looking back, I can see how self destructive I was. I created my own unhappiness, my own hurt. I set myself up for failure with love. Of course, I was very young, and I don't know that a girl that age can really be "in love" anyway. But, I can tell you, I thought I was at least 100 times!

When I was 15, I met my very first serious boyfriend, Paul. He was a friend of a friend, and we began speaking on the phone. I hadn't met the guy, but I was in love with him! Oh, he was most certainly the man I was going to marry. He was my prince charming, my knight in shining armor!

I still remember the day I actually got the courage to go meet him. I was out with a few friends, and they guy driving the car just drove us to his house. I didn't know we were going there, and I was so, so scared when I found out! I can remember what I was wearing, the feeling in my stomach and the voices in my head screaming for me to turn and run the other way when the car stopped! I knew he was going to think I was a big fat girl and that would be the end of my true love.

I beat the voices in my head, and walked down the driveway with my friends, toward his door. He came outside and we looked at each other, and he smiled. I felt my heart skip a beat as the relief washed over my body. HE SMILED!! That smile was like gold to me...it meant he didn't think I was a fat girl! (Mind you, I weighed all of about 120 pounds, not at all fat!)

We began a 3 year relationship that day. A relationship filled with love and laughter. The loss of my virginity. The self discovery that I am a very sexual person with a very high sex drive. Followed by hurt, betrayal, heartbreak and despression. And finally, to picking the pieces up and putting myself back together. Learning about who I was, what I was worth and how no man was going to hold me down.

I guess that is enough for now. More detail will follow in my next post about my first love, and our relationship. How it helped me to become the person I am today. For now, I will sleep...and dream about the love that is right. The love I have yet to find, but haven't stopped looking for.