Fast Forward...

Skipping ahead to the now. I was going to continue on with the story of my first love, but will catch up with that next. Maybe!

Now, I am stuck in a loveless marriage for ALL the wrong reasons. I am afraid of divorce. Not because I am afraid to be alone, because I basically am alone anyway. I am afraid of not having my children with me all the time. They are my babies, I carried them inside of me for nine long months, I gave birth to them and I have loved and cared for them day in and day out ever since. I cannot imagine having to send them for overnight visits with a father that cannot even care for them for a couple hours while I do grocery shopping. The thought honestly frightens me.

I am afraid of another women's presense in their life. My kids are young, very young and impressionable. I have a step-mother, and I hated her growing up. She tried to be my mom, she tried to take over certain roles that she had no business being involved with. I don't want my children to go through that.

I am afraid of the financial aspect as well. Although I am a college graduated professional, I am afraid of what it would take to support 3, very small children. How would I manage to work full time? How could I afford day care for 3 kids and still make enough for us to live in a decent home and pay all the other bills out there?

I am equally afraid of what is happening to my heat and soul from staying in a marriage that should have never happened in the first place. I got married to have a wedding. I knew it was wrong, he knew it was wrong. Less than a year later, I moved out and caught him cheating. Cheating with an ex-girlfriend, no less. Despite the fact that he talked me into coming back, before I knew the full extent of his unfaithfullness, I will never truly be able to move on or completely forgive him for what he did to me. Trust is way too important, and he broke the trust we had as husband and wife.

But, here we are 2 years and 2 kids later, and still plugging away at a failed relationship. I stay, out of fear. Yet, my heart dreams of the future. A future filled with happiness, laughter and a love that is meant to be. I know, someday, we will find each other. For now, I have to finish this chapter...and then, I can begin the next.