Back to the future

Man I love my kids. Seriously, I love my kids more than I knew I could ever love anyone or anything in the world. I watch the older once dance and play, the younger one fall asleep while drinking a bottle and my heart melts a little. I thank my lucky stars every single day that they are in my life, happy and healthy.

I got pregnant with my first child two months after meeting my husband. 3 years ealier, I lost a baby due to an ectopic pregnancy and ended up with emergency surgery and the loss of a fallopean tube. It was a really hard thing for me to go through emotionally, and when I found out I was pregnant, though certainly not planned, I was thrilled. I have always wanted kids.

I gave my husband (my boyfriend at the time) every opportunity to bail out. I told him he could walk away and not worry about a thing. I was going to have the baby no matter what and I didn't expect anything from him, unless he wanted to be involved. He swore to me he did.

When we met, he told me he had been single for about a year and prior to that was engaged to a drunk. He told me horror stories about this women, how she stayed in bed all day and stayed up all night smoking cigarettes and indulging in bottle after bottle of wine. When they split, she took his engagement ring, his credit card and his car. He got the car back, the credit card was canceled and the ring was history. My husband is a spiteful person, very, very much so. He hired a lawyer and threatened to sue her for the cost of the ring.

When I was a couple months into my pregnancy, I was having trouble sleeping and was up late playing on the computer. I was at his house and he was upstairs in bed. I decided to nose around in his email. To my surprise, I found email after email from him, pouring his heart and soul out to her and begging her to come back to him. In all fairness, the letters stopped a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant, but still, I was looking at letters from the first two months of our relationship filled with professions of love and promises to do anything to make it work. I remember sitting there, reading them over and over again...my heart racing. I didn't know what to do. So, I did what any confused, hormonal chick does when confused...I marched my ass up the stairs, woke him up while screaming at him and demanding to know what the hell the emails were all about.

He made excuse after excuse, but basically stuck to the story that he had to pretend to want her back because he was trying to get her to give him his ring back. My husband works in sales and also has a little problem with compulsive lying...but boy, did I want to believe him. It would have been so much easier if it was true, if he weren't the lying type. Not that I can prove that what he told me was a lie, I cannot. But I do know for sure that those emails weren't the end of her. I do know that she made a few appearences in my marriage, and while I moved on past the first incident with the emails, the latter incidents sealed the deal for me.

I cannot trust him and won't ever be able to. He lied to me and hurt me beyond anything I would have ever imagined. Someday, I will get to that post. But for now, although I will say, I do not believe they actually slept together while we were married, he betrayed me, my trust and broke the vows he took before our friends and family. He ended our marriage when he made those decisions. Only we are still married. We have had two children since then. I will never, ever regret my kids...I just go to bed each night and dream of a day when I will wake up with real love in my heart. Not love for my children or my family, but love for a man that is deserving of the love I have to offer.