Sean...take three!

So, I sat in the waiting room with my Mom for what felt like forever waiting for the doctors to come tell us Sean was ok. It was dark out, and the hospital was empty. It seemed surreal, sitting there, fearing the worst but desperatly begging the powers that be for the best. I tried to get in touch with Sean's family, but his Mom was at a baseball game and his Dad was at the shore. Finally, the doctors came out and told us that things went well and he was doing ok. He said I could see him in a little while, once he was awake. I remember his Mom finally getting to the hospital right about the time we were able to go see him. It was late, maybe 10 or 11 at night, and I wanted nothing more than to just sit by his bedside and hold his hand until he was all better. My Mom went home after popping in to see him. I assumed his Mom would be staying the night, but after about 45 minutes, they (her and her husband) were heading on home! They tried to convince me to go with them and come back in the morning and it made me want to cry. How could any mother leave their child lying in an ICU, just hours after having major surgery and remains in critical condition? I politely declined their offer to go home with them, I wasn't leaving him...no way, not for a second. At one point, the nurses made me leave his bedside...I fell asleep on a chair in the waiting room and spent the rest of the night there.

There was a lot of "drama" that happened while he was in the hospital. I guess he spent about 3 weeks there, and it was a long, painful recovery. I remember the tears in his eyes when they made him get out of the bed to do physical therapy. The pain so bad even the morphine wasn't helping him. His father never liked me. He was (is?) an alcoholic, a womanizer and an asshole. There were times, before this incident, we would be having dinner at his father's house and for no reason, his father would start talking about how Sean wasn't going to spend his life with me, how he was going to get hookers for them while they went away on weekend fishing trips, how I was just a girl he was passing his time with. I remember leaving the table many time, crying and in shock. Sean wasn't very good at standing up to his Dad, and we fought a lot about his inability to say no to him, when he was so good at saying it to me.

His brother was another problem. He hated the fact that Sean moved out with me. He had been living with his brother prior to us moving in together, and I "stole" him away. So, I spent day in and day out at that hospital with him. I made sure he had everything he needed and felt safe and comfortable and loved. Yet, when it came time to talk discharge and the care he would need while recovering at home, he decided to go stay with his Mom rather than come back with me. Why?...well, because his Mom asked him to, and he wouldn't dare tell her no!

So, they set up a bed in the dining room of her home and he moved in there to recover. I still spent every moment I could with him. Sometimes I stayed the night with him, mind you we had been together 4 years at this point and had lived together for over 2 of those four years! Anyway, while his Mom was always kind to me, his father continued to cause drama. He would invite Sean out to lunch, but make it clear that I wasn't welcome. And Sean wouldn't say a word about it, he would just go to lunch to please his father.

He recovered and went back to live with his brother (which is where he was living before the accident) and we continued to be together. He would stay many nights at my house and we were talking about moving back in together. But the family drama and the constant struggle of powere between me and his father and brother was just too much. We ended up splitting again around November 2000. A few days before Christmas that same year, a ring Sean had gotten me for "being there for him while he was in the hospital" had broken. The prong broke and the stone fell out. I had the stone and wanted to get it fixed, so I called him to ask if he had the receipt. He did, and said he would bring it over.

He came over and we acted like shy, love struck teenagers! We were giddy and akward and ended up getting back together. Things were good for a while. I was starting nursing school in February and the second anniversary of my brothers death was rapidly approaching. His father wanted him to go on some fishing trip to Florida for a week, and one of the days he would be gone was the court date that was scheduled for the trial for the man the killed my brother. I begged and pleaded with him not to go away...I needed him with me. He hadn't come to any other court hearings with me, and I didn't pressure him to, but this one was big...and I really needed him to support me. Of course this pissed his Dad off, but Sean ended up finding a way to still go on the trip and shut me up as well. He booked himself an earlier flight home in time to be in court with me. I was still disapointed that he was going, but whatever, at least he would be there.

On the second anniversary of my brothers death, Sean and I were going out for dinner and drinks with friends. We went to Ruby Tuesdays, and I got smashed. I am talking drunk, drunk! We got back to my house and had sex, and at some point either during or after having sex, we started fighting. I was angry because we had been together so long and he still hadn't asked me to marry him, I wanted to have children, blah, blah. While there was much truth behind what I was saying, it was very obviously the wrong time and place to be discussing these things! He kept asking me to stop, but I wouldn't let up. He eventually got mad and went downstairs. I passed out.

I woke in the morning to find him down on the couch. I felt like hell and apologized up and down for what had happened. He was angry, very angry. We fought and were getting no where with the fighting. He said he was leaving, and I told him if he left not to come back. He turned and walked out the door...and I never saw him or heard from him again.

I remember going to my Dad's for some type of get together later that night and everyone asked where Sean was. I told them we had a fight, but I was sure it would blow over and we would be fine tomorrow. But that tomorrow never came. He left flowers at my brother's grave site on his birthday a few months later, and then again on his anniversary the following year. And then that stopped too.

I miss him and think of him often. I was in such a bad place in my life after losing my brother. I had no idea what to do with my grief and was looking for someone to fix me. Instead, I further damaged a relationship that was having troubles of its own before my grief hit. I wonder how he is doing now, if he is married, has kids. I wonder what things would be like if we were still together. I wonder what would happen if I were to run in to him. I hope that someday I get that chance, if for no other reason, at least for closure. He is a part of my heart that is still open...a part of me will always love that Sean!